ashe dryden

“I learned early and at that kitchen table that there were...”
— Children of Men, PD James

Wheel of Torture!

Matt: I want a pickup truck and a pack of PBR, and Jeopardy on my TV in my trailer
Then I'll be ready for makin' babbies
me: whoa
the jeopardy is a nice touch at least
i dont know about all the rest
Matt: I'm getting me a learnamacation
Matt: From Pat Slapjack
me: thats wheel of fortune
you should probably pay more attention in class, matty
Jordan: wheel of torture?
me: haha
YES
omg can we please invent that game show
Matt: lolol
Jordan: i have a feeling it has already been created
me: ::falling over laughing::
Matt: I'll take the Iron Maiden for $500
me: zomg we will need one of those
Matt: hot
me: and racks and and dunking chairs
Matt: I'll ask in #ectomo for a lead
me: awesome
Matt: this is right up their alley
me: woo
that was funny
ive got tears running down my face i was laughing so hard
woo
okay, breathing again
ignore me
Matt: < mathiasx> random question
< mathiasx> do you guys know where I could get ahold of some medieval
tortue gear?
< mathiasx> Like, an Iron Maiden and a rack or two?
< Ginja> ...
me: lol
Matt: < meatblag> period or reproduction?
me: period
Matt: < mathiasx> modern materials would be a nice touch
15: 52 < mathiasx> wouldn't want them getting awawy
me: no imitations, matty
thats cheap
Jordan: doesn't matter to me
me: jordan you arent picky about anything
Jordan: i admit to being cheap right about now
me: INCLUDING medieval torture devices
Matt: < Beckles> also, kinky or for re-enactment?
< mathiasx> For a gameshow idea.
me: lol
Matt: < Beckles> I see
< mathiasx> WHEEL OF TORTURE
< Beckles> hahahaha
< meatblag> i imagine a bakelite iron maiden with aluminum spikes
me: it helps that you type it in caps
because i imagine you in a scary circus leader uniform
Jordan: well durrr
me: with a mustache and stuff
yelling it out
Jordan: see how matt only uses caps when appropriate ashe?

thedailywhat: [via.]

A compliment I have never received...

Me: [putting product in a customer's car]
Customer: You know, this is going to sound weird, but you have a really pretty collarbone.
Me: uh, thanks.
Customer: I don't mean it weirdly. You just have very nice porcelain skin and your collarbone is nicely shadowed. I'm an artist, I tend to notice these things.
Me: Ah, cool. Thanks. You have a good day now.

notemily: (via recovering lazyholic)

Not exactly what I need on my iPhone.

Boonis : I guess he's more like office eye-candy
Boonis: or for the you "The iCandy"
Ashe: lol oh lord
Ashe: no more talking for you
Boonis: The new Apple application for your iPhone. Take a picture and make a list of portable iCandy porn.
Boonis: drool over those boys you pass in the street
Boonis: ogle at the man behind the counter at the local coffee shop
Boonis: take them everywhere

It makes it hard to concentrate,...

Boonis: It was in your head. I could hear it.
Ashe: oh?
Boonis: mhm
Boonis: I can read your mind. Except I can only hear the silly things for some reason, which makes it tough to decipher sometimes.
Ashe: yeah
Ashe: sometimes thats all i can hear, too

DIY: The Shirt Skirt - cute or not?

I get that a lot, actually

Coworker: [phone makes a noise]
Me: ...was that just the Zelda sound?
Coworker: yeah, I just got a text message
Me: nice
Coworker: you have a brother?
Me: no...why?
Coworker: so you play Zelda?
Me: why is everyone surprised by that? i do, yes. just about every iteration
Coworker: that's no fair. my girlfriend won't play video games.
Me: sucks to be you

Spunky and spandex

Ashe: ::poke::
Jordan: getting poked a lot lately
Jordan: maybe i should dial it back
Ashe: deserving it a lot lately ^_^
Ashe: and whatever. you like the physical abuse, for whatever reason
Jordan: i like spunky people, that is all
Ashe: am i spunky?
Jordan: virtually
Ashe: i should probably ask what you mean by spunky, because afaik, spunky was Doug's disgusting dog that drank it's own drool. so
Jordan: spunky is an adjective meaning... feisty/spirited
Ashe: a-ha. i can live with that, i suppose
Jordan: you better
Ashe: or else what
Jordan: you'll be no fun
Jordan: j/k
Ashe: oooh thems fightin words. you better be glad that i dont do fights. i just stand there and look really sad
Ashe: and guilt you into feeling bad
Jordan: awww
Ashe: see, just like that
Ashe: im SO good at that. so good. ill even insert sniffles and maybe a tear or two
Jordan: except when resisted
Ashe: psh
Ashe: my girl powers are way stronger than your boy powers, jordan. its a fact of life
Jordan: pfft
Ashe: its okay though. its the way we are made
Jordan: keep dreaming
Ashe: oh man, i feel like we need to go all american gladiator with this now. sans spandex and horrible porn-ish names
Jordan: prepare to lose
Ashe: prepare to cry like a little girl
Ashe: ::cracks knuckles::

No, really, I don't need your help.

Coworker: Did you get a chance to hook me up to the network, yet?
Me: No, I haven't, but I can do it right now. Shouldn't take more than 10 minutes.
Coworker: I don't mind getting down on my hands and knees and getting dirty.
Me: Umm... I don't know if you have ever seen me run ethernet cable before, but it doesn't involve any of that, soooo thanks, but I got this.

The difference between me and you

Me: Hey Donna, just wanted to let you know that this customer cancelled their order.
Donna: Yeah....ummmm....no. Tell them that isn't acceptable.
Me: Well I already threatened to come down there and show him who was boss, but he was elderly and I just felt bad. I'm weak.
Donna: Sigh. That's the difference between you and me. I, on the other hand, would beat up an entire senior citizen community if I believed in the cause. (Brody, Mall Rats)

Not so baseless of a threat now, is it?

me: oh yeah
i threatened to give someone the forearm shiver today at work
AFTER i threatened to pistol whip someone else
Stephanie: haha!!!!!!
why?
me: has been a rough couple days and apparently baseless physical threats are what im reduced to ^_^
because they were being stupid boys?
Stephanie: haha! uh huh.
i feel like i'm bossy and bitchy most the time, but people seem to love me, so i get a lot of back-up from my managers, so ... i can kinda yell at people and get away with it.
me: hehe
nice!
see what i do
is i yell at people
and then they look at me
see im not a threat
and giggle at me
with manly giggles, of course
Stephanie: awwww.
haha!
me: because all of my underlings are male
Stephanie: you gotta threaten them with the testicle squeeze.
me: whoa
Stephanie: show 'em who's boss.
me: they would like that :P
these are old school blue collar guys
Stephanie: not if you squeezed 'em hard enough.
Stephanie: make their eyes water

Listen

TO THE CUTE GUY WHO SMILED AT ME IN THE...

pissandmildew: i hope you enjoyed the massive snot bubble i blew out my nose. there’s more where...

“That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world…...”
— Calvin and Hobbes (via...

Coming up on an all new episode of House

Yyyyyeaaaah. That's awkward.

[coworker walks up to me, standing at the copy machine]
Ashe: Did you need me?
Coworker: Everyday.
Ashe: Well doesn't that just fill my life with purpose. I can die a happy office worker now.
Coworker: In more ways than one, sometimes multiples times a day.
Ashe: O.O
Ashe: O.o
Coworker: Wait! I didn't mean it like that!
Ashe: I can't tell if that is sexual harassment or a compliment. You better be glad I am an even headed tough chick, cause otherwise I'd have to pistol whip you.
Coworker: Yeah, let's forget that happened.
Ashe: Let's.

My sister. She is awesome.

Heather: i think im going to get a tattoo soon, too!
Ashe: i want a tattoo, too! we should go together!
Heather: reeeallly? yay
Ashe: omg, we are going to have, like, every bonding experience EVER together when you move here
Ashe: itll be like a lifetime movie
Ashe: except without people dying, kay?
Heather: kay

Cold winter dusk (via wasteofpaint)

Through bright eyes.

328. Write down your dreams.

(via rulesformyunbornson)

Science vs. Romance

Eva Green. Do want.

I miss spring.

Adorable      via aws-asset.soup.io

Obama’s got it.  via aws-asset.soup.io

Hanging out is not dating pissandmildew: paulprosseda: ...

via io-soup-assets.s3.amazonaws.com

via io-soup-assets.s3.amazonaws.com

Why yes, I am a dancing queen.

Coworker: Nice bell bottoms
Ashe: What's wrong with my jeans? [looks down at pants]
Coworker: They're nice. If you live in the 70's.
Ashe: I've worn flared pants since I was in middle school. Just force of habit now. I like 'em.
Coworker: I think they're pretty gay.
Ashe: Thank you.
Coworker: [confused] I said pretty *gay*.
Ashe: I said *thank* *you*.
Coworker: [walks away]

A regular Friday night for Boone,...

Ashe: hope you have fun
Boonis : I'm sure we will
Boonis : maybe pick up some hookers
Boonis : shoot some people
Boonis : who knows?
Ashe: just dont forget to OD by 9, dear
Boonis : maybe 10
Boonis : I might push it back a bit
Ashe: now you know how hard it is for you to sleep when the hospital is pumping your stomach so late
Boonis : this has quickly become one of the strangest conversations ever
Ashe: AND THE MOST AWESOME
Ashe: please stand by for tumblring in 3...2....1...

Mating is easier in the Sims

Steve: why are girls so complicated?
Ashe: what do you mean?
Steve: you want so much stuff.
Ashe: and boys don’t?
Steve: girls are SO much more wanty then boys
Ashe: wanty?
Steve: yeah
Steve: what qualities does a guy have to have for you to date him?
Ashe: I'm probably a poor example of your average girl, you realise?
Ashe: I dunno. Smart, witty, sweet. ::shrugs:: Prefer to be friends first so I know if they are a creep or not before I decide that they can hold my hand ^_^
Steve: whatever. And he can't be too tall or have brown hair or be left handed or have been born in March.
Ashe: lol what? You're all of those things. I mean, not too tall. Just... tall. You know what I mean. :P
Steve: I know. Why can't all girls be like you?
Ashe: because then I wouldn't be perceived as awesome as I really am because everyone else would be as awesome? [insert ego boost here]
Steve: they should invent an easier way for people to see if they are compatible.
Ashe: We could do it with SCIENCE! If 1/2 of A + 1/2 of B = awesome, then you were meant to be! We can do it with DNA or something. It'd be like the Sims!
Steve: Yeah, and then when you find someone better you'll wall me up in a closet for me to die.
Ashe: You know me so well.
Ashe: But at least BEFORE you die, you would have enjoyed a vibrating heart-shaped bed.
Steve: damn your optimism.

Tux mittens via www.craftycrafty.tv

I want this shirt! via...

It's a double standard, but an allowable...

Matt: Band of horses <3
Ashe: tokyo police club <3
Matt: ^_^
Ashe: ::rocks out::
Matt: cock in hopefullly
Ashe: missing, actually
Matt: wait that sounds even worse for a girl
Ashe: omg
Ashe: matty!
Matt: <picard facepalms />

Keyboarding 101

20-something Coworker: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Go for it.
20-something Coworker: Which one is the underscore?
Me: (stunned silence)
20-something Coworker: Is that the dot?
Me: No, it's two keys left of your backspace key. You'll have to press shift plus that key to get an underscore.
20-something Coworker: I'm doing that and it just gives me a dash.
Me: You have to do them at the same time.
20-something Coworker: Ooooh. (pause) Was that a dumb question?
Me: There are no dumb questions. (smiling) Only dumb people.

Maybe I'm taking this punching thing too...

Me: I'm leaving for work, honey
Boone: (groggily) Why'd you punch me in the face?
Me: What?
Boone: You're mean. You punched me in the face in my dream.
Me: Why'd I do that?
Boone: 'Cause you're mean. You pulled me into the street, even though I tried to stop you cause I didn't want to get hit by a car. You said I was being a baby and punched me in the face.
Me: Wow. I'm really not nice.
Boone: I know. It hurt.
Me: I'm sorry.
Boone: Don't punch me in the face anymore.
Me: 'kay. I'll do my best.

Why spelling things wrong will cost you...

I plan on getting a tattoo fairly soon. I’ve been wanting one for a while and it’s just...

Why so serious hoodie. I want.

Guilt trips, ahoy!

Matt: sorry phooooooooooooooone
me: oooooooooook
you dont love me, i understand
ive moved on to smaller and more disappointing things
like this piece of lint
: :blows it away:
Matt: wow
me: ^_^

If by Golden Globes you mean "Golden...

Lyndzi: oh man, golden globes is on tonight :P
me: unless that is code for some sort of porn, i worry why youre interested

I’m not entirely sure if Stephanie is referring to my...

Context is key

Coworker: How do you spell "ruff-a-lee"?
Me: Umm, r-u-f-f-l-y?
[pause]
Me: Can I ask what context you are using the word?
Coworker: The two houses are ruff-a-lee in the same area.
Me: OOOHHH. R-o-u-g-h-l-y. I thought you meant ruffly, like, with ruffles. I could not figure out what you could possibly be emailing about /at work/ that had to do with ruffles.
[awkward silence].
Me: Yeaaaah.